Wednesday, September 19, 2012

S is for Silence

There has been so much on my mind lately. So much that I've wanted to talk about; things that I need to write out in order to understand them better. But right now isn't the time for it.

Right now is a time for silence. It's a time for me to grapple with life alone for a little while. To sort out the mess in my head before I put my unfinished thoughts into the world.

It's lonely, but perhaps necessary.

And I know this may not make sense, all this talk about silence. But I couldn't delve into any other word that has pulled at my heart over the past week. Not stress or surprise or screaming or serious or silly or senseless or sensible or serendipitous or serenity or any other number of words that crossed my mind. 

Bear with me, soon the silence won't be necessary.

Friday, September 14, 2012

R is for Run

I'm pretty excited for the Color Me Rad 5K coming to Reno next weekend. It's going to be awesome and colorful and we're having a super fun BBQ at our place afterwards. If you're in the Reno area, I have no idea why you aren't signed up already. And by the way, it's not too late to register and join team Dyeing to Run under the iron fist of captain Hartley. I kid, I'm probably definitely going to be slow as all hell. And thinking about post-run BBQ the whole time.

So seriously, you should do this thing. It's 3.1 miles of party time, followed by more party time. Plus it benefits the Special Olympics of Nevada so you can feel like you've done something productive even if you walk the whole way. Which is totally an option. Just FYI. 

I mean, look at all that awesomeness. I hear they have unicorns! Do it.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Q is for Questions

Lucas is fast approaching that age when explanations will be needed for everything. The toddler stage of questions unleashed in rapid fire; when the ability to speak becomes the ability to ask "why." He is curious about the world. He has many questions, I see it in his eyes as we read books and when we venture into the big wide world and when he explores on his own while I watch from the sidelines, awestruck.

I wonder what questions you will have for me, and if I will be ready for them. I wonder how I will explain the world to you in a way that you understand. I wonder if my answers will satisfy you or make you question further those things we do not understand. I wonder what I should tell you when you ask me about the bad and dark things in the world. I wonder if I know the answers myself. 

I hope, my love, that I will have the courage to tell you when I do not know. And I hope we can find answers together. I hope you will not become discouraged when the answer is not what you wanted or wished for, when the world is not as it should be. I hope you can wash the bad taste from your mouth and still be hungry for knowledge. And I hope that you never stop asking the questions that pull at your heart, and never stop searching for truth.

I hope your knowledge makes you stronger and better and wiser. 

I hope your answers make you want more.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

P is for Patience

A good friend of mine recently got a tattoo down his calf which reads "forgiven." I love listening to the stories of people's tattoos. They fascinate me. Most people I've found have great, meaningful stories behind their tattoos. And they're usually more than happy to share them. When I asked my friend about his tattoo he said it was there to serve as a constant reminder, most importantly that he is forgiven and secondly to forgive others. Which I think is pretty beautiful.

It has me thinking, if I were to brandish one word across my flesh - where I would see it daily and be reminded of it always - what would it be?

I've decided it would be patience. To remind myself to be patient with others, to be patient about the future, but above all else to be patient with myself.

If parenting taught me one thing, it is that I am not nearly as patient as I thought I was. But I am learning, slowly but surely, what patience really means. And I am learning, in turn, that I cannot be patient in any significant way unless I learn to be patient with myself.

Patient with the fact that I am not, and never will be, exactly the kind of parent (or wife or friend) I had hoped to be. Patient with the fact that I am still growing and learning. Patient with the fact that my writing is not where I want it to be. Patient with the fact that my dreams must come slowly. Patient with the fact that I have so little control. Patient with the fact that this is a journey with no end in sight.

I know I will need lots more patience in the days and months and years ahead. And although I am not about to go out and get some ink, I hope that I might tattoo the word to my heart and remember it in spite of myself. I hope that I will remind myself daily to be patient in all things.

I hope it will someday be a virtue I can call my own.

Monday, September 10, 2012

O is for Overjoyed and Overwhelmed

The end of summer is here, which makes me a little sad. Usually I'm pining for fall by the first of July, but this summer was so magical I hate to see it go. We had so many adventures and good times. There were so many "firsts" for Lucas: the zoo, Virginia City, the Discovery Museum, swimming, splashing in fountains, growing tomatoes, wagon rides. Watching him grow up is bittersweet, the end of summer feels like the end of an era.

Lucas' first time at the Great Reno Balloon Races

But fall is my favorite time of year, and I'm excited for all the new adventures this season will bring. Already, I feel like my calendar is filling to the bursting point. I'm hosting parties and dinners and pancake breakfasts, I've joined a writers group and I'm running this amazing Color Me Rad 5K. I want to take Lucas to all the cool events in our area: the air races, candy dance festival, outhouse races, the Nevada Day Parade. I feel like there's something new to add to my list each day. And my life is taking some serious twists and turns right now, and although I'm disoriented, I'm also very excited for what's ahead.

To sum it up, I'm overjoyed and overwhelmed, and I couldn't be happier.

Here's to another wonderful season of our life.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

N is for New Beginnings

Just being a big helper, like always.

I know I've bared all and told you how difficult motherhood has been for me. The most difficult parts were letting go of control and unrealistic expectations. And the crying and tantrums and crazy hormones. It left me feeling like a failure many days. I would lose my temper. I would feel unproductive. I would think to myself that it would never get better.

But after a while I learned to approach those bad days with a different mindset. I started hitting a mental reset button every time I felt like I'd done it all wrong. I gave myself new beginnings in hopes that things would turn around. Because surely it must get better, right?

Yes, it does. Thank God, it does.

It has been a long journey, but I feel like Lucas and I have finally found our groove. We have more good days than bad. There are hugs and kisses and snuggles. There is dancing, so much dancing, and singing too. There are adventures and wagon rides. There are piles of books read on blankets while he's nestled in my lap. There is picking tomatoes and watering plants. There is baking bread and stirring pots and tasting treats.

There is love like I have never known.

There are still bad days and tantrums and he's totally stopped sleeping through the night...again. Nothing will ever be perfect. But we are standing on the other side of what feels like a tremendous battle, and I breathe a sigh of relief for that each and every day. It has been hard, but I say this with more conviction than ever, it has been worth it.

Sometimes I look back on the struggle and feel like I missed out on those sweet infant days, because I felt like I was drowning. Sometimes I regret not easing into motherhood in the way I thought I would. Sometimes I wish our story had worked out differently. But more and more often, I feel like the struggle was good for me. It allows me to appreciate the good days more fully, enjoy Lucas' love towards me in a way I couldn't fathom had we not been through the ringer. 

This is our new beginning; this is where our story takes flight.
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