Monday, May 12, 2014

Where I've Been, Where I'm Going

The blog has been quiet for some time now. When I posted my last Project 52 photos, I was weeping. I had planned on putting up three pictures, the last would have been of my pregnancy test and slightly bulging belly. Posting those photos of my children, and leaving behind that surprising announcement I had envisioned, was somehow harder than writing this post.

So I left. I needed time to heal.

I know I hardly responded to anyone who reached out to me during that time, and if I did it was probably a mere "thank you" because that was all I could bare. But one night, some weeks after my miscarriage, I just lay in bed and stared at the ceiling and thought about each and every one of you. I cried in a hard way, not out of sorrow but because I was so overwhelmed by your love and your kindness. I held in my heart those of you who shared your stories of loss so I wouldn't feel so alone. I remembered you each by name, even if all you offered was a simple "I'm sorry." I know you probably thought your words didn't matter, but they did. More than you'll ever know. I let all that love wash over me, and I felt healed.

It's a bold thing to say, but that sorrow is gone now. Over these past couple months I have filled that cavernous place in my heart love, because that baby boy (I felt it, I knew it) deserves to be remembered with love, not sadness. We picked out a name that will forever be written on my heart, and when I hear it or think it, I'll feel that love for my baby.

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I've also spent this time away to rethink the blog, which I already had lukewarm feelings towards. I spent time away from all my writing, really, and stepped away from the internet a lot. I've been out living and loving and connecting in tangible ways. It's been joyful and fulfilling.

But I've decided that this is a place I want to thrive. I still want to carve out my own little corner in the big boisterous blogging world and share my story. To share the happy moments and the struggles and the things I'm learning along the way.

So I will be around from now on. You can expect to see little glimpses of our home and the adventures we embark on as well as the essays and ramblings you've already come to expect from me. I may share some cool little projects and recipes as well.

And I'd love to hear what you'd like to see on this space. Because this blog isn't just about me. It's about you too. It's about a community that has shown me love in abundance. A community I will always love in return.
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